Shades of Lavender
by Kiya Sama
Summary: Tetsu comes to realize that his feelings for Souji run much deeper than just brotherly love, but he will have to wait until he can prove himself to the great swordsman...


**Pairing:** Okita/Tetsu

**Rating:** PG-13

**Warning:** Angst, angst and more angst. Spoilers for both anime and manga and for those who do not know the history of Shinsengumi… yet. Don't worry, you aren't alienated too much ^_~

**Disclaimers:** All characters are owned by the good people at GONZO. I make no money off them.

**Author's Notes:** First PMK fic and it turns out to be this way -_- It had started out as a happy thing, but what can I tell you? After reading what happens to my beloved character, the happiness factor flew right out the window. 'Shades' was supposed to be a tribute to Okita through Tetsu's eyes/POV. I am not sure if I managed to pull that off, but hopefully, I did. 

**Feedback?:** Very much appreciated and welcomed! ^^

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**Shades of Lavender:**

Hmm…let's see now. It's been almost a year since I joined the 'feared' Shinsengumi and four months since I became an official soldier. 

I still can't believe that I have finally gotten my swords and uniform. I know I should probably thank Kondou-san for talking some sense into Hijikata-san…or maybe I should thank Susumu for waking me up and making me realize that hiding away from my fears wouldn't cut it. Geez, for a guy who's supposed to be 'silent' in his duties as a shinobi, he can be quite feisty when he chooses to be. Or maybe I really ought to thank Yamanami-san for talking to me too. He had seemed so…_different_ then – more quiet and thoughtful – still is though. I am not really sure of what's going on between he and Hijikata-san, but it seems like there's a tension in the air that is quite unnerving. 

"Buhi!!"

"Ah, Saizou!" I fall to my knees to eye the angry-looking pig before me. I have been so lost in my thoughts that I have forgotten what I came out here for. I hold out the bowl of mush and place it before him. "Here you go. Sorry for not giving it to you earlier."

"Buhi! Buhi!"

In other words, I'm a lousy no good page, ne, Saizou? Oh, wait a second! I am no longer a page…sort of. Sure, I still give Hijikata-san his tea and run his errands…and wash the uniforms and sweep the yard…

Ah…well, I guess I am still a page then…only this time I have my own uniform and my own swords! How do you like that, Saizou?

"Buhi?"

I pat his head gently with a warm smile. "It's okay, you don't have to understand anyway…"

But all I get in return is a light snort as it continues to feast on its meal. With a chuckle I get to my feet and stretch my aching muscles. Susumu was right when he said that I had grown a few inches taller. I would no longer be teased too much about my height from now on. It's going to be my sixteenth birthday in a week and needless to say, I am more than excited about it. I don't know what my brother, Tatsu, has planned for me. But, he's been acting so secretive lately; I hope it's going to be something good. I also know that the others would do something for me too; after all, I was their beloved puppy-kun.  

Chuckling and humming softly to myself, I lift up the neatly arranged pile of _bokken_, almost twice my size mind you, and begin to make my way towards the dojo. Once that is done, I will have to wash the floors and then see if Hijikata-san wants to have anything done for him today. After that, I am pretty much free to do as I please.

Ah, but it's turning out to be another beautiful morning here in Kyoto. It never ceases to amaze me at how quiet and serene the grounds seem to be at this time of the day. We are soldiers of war, not afraid to spill the thick, richness of blood to the earth for righteousness and justice. Yet, beneath it all we are only humans, all tuned in to the beauty of nature that surrounds us. I am happy I can think this way now. I can finally sit down and admire the good things about me without having the inner guilt of knowing that I could not avenge my father's death. Perhaps, someday I can become a Peace Maker like my father was. I am not sure of how that will happen, but it would be nice.

If only Tatsu would let me…

My skin prickles with awareness as my feet slowly approach the dojo. I stop and close my eyes, my arms tightening around the heavy wooden sticks as I allow my ears to take over for me. 

_Whoosh! Whoosh!_

Steady. Rhythmic. Powerful. 

Each descent of that stick – which is considerably heavier than a _bokken_ – cuts through the air like a knife. It is punctuated by the sound of his breathing. It's a bit harsher than normal but it's only due to exertion and growing fatigue. 

_One thousand, one hundred and nineteen…_

One's arms can only take so much. But not him…never _him._

I open up my eyes and drop the _bokken_ to the ground as carefully as I can, my heart beginning that fierce pounding that has me thinking I might have run a marathon without knowing it. I can feel my hands get clammy with sweat and I swallow tightly as I finally take a peek at the culprit from my hiding place. 

Like Hijikata-san, he practices alone – in secret – away from everyone else. I guess it must be hard knowing that you are the strongest person on the grounds and that no one is willing to practice with you for fear of his life. As usual, he is dressed in his white and blue yukata, his long lavender locks in its familiar ponytail as it weaves back and forth in the gentle breeze behind him. From my vantage point, his back is turned to me, but I can see the sweat that has now caused his uniform to stick to his skin. I cannot see his face, but I can only imagine the concentration upon it. Those warm, friendly and kind violet depths, that can turn deadly in an instant, would probably be narrowed in an effort to focus on the task at hand. 

I clench my hands into fists and lower my lashes as memories of that night at the Ikeda-ya Inn come rushing back to me. I had almost lost him then…lost him to the hands of that homicidal maniac Yoshida. The horror, pain and anguish at not being able to do anything for him had almost driven me insane with grief. He had almost died and yet he had told me never to kill. I had made a promise to him after all and I knew I wouldn't have hesitated to break it there and then. But, he had stopped me – had made me think of what I was about to do.

"Okita…san…" I whispered softly, unaware of the longing in my voice. "Why…?"

My eyes widen as I watch him drop the _bokken_ to the ground. He hunches over and begins to launch into a series of gut-wrenching coughs that have me panicking in concern and worry. I open up my mouth to call out to him, but decide not to as he steadies himself against a tree and tries to catch his breath. Something red drops to the floor and my eyes widen in disbelief as I realize that its blood. Has he cut himself? Has he been practicing so hard that he bruised his hands?! That would be the only logical explanation. And without thinking twice about it, I run back towards the well to fetch a pail of water. I tear off the piece of cloth around my neck and dip it into the cool liquid. Feeling as if my lungs would burst from exertion, I run back to meet him, but falter as I realize he's no longer there.

"Okita…san…" I whisper softly.  
  


"Ah, Tetsu-kun, were you looking for me?"

I spin around quickly at the familiar sing-song voice that never ceased to bring a smile to my face. He's smiling himself and I notice that he's not changed from his practice uniform yet. I take a quick look-over, wondering if I would see anything that would give away the blood I had seen. But to my chagrin, there is not a spot of red anywhere. Had I imagined the whole thing after all?

"Is there something wrong, Tetsu-kun? You look so serious."

I lift my gaze to meet his concerned violet ones and I can feel my cheeks flush with color. _Just keeping thinking of him as a big brother and you'll be just fine, Tetsunosuke!_ I chide myself inwardly as I hold out the wet cloth to him. 

"I just thought you might need this to cool yourself down…"

"Ah!" He claps his hands in delight as if I have given him the greatest gift in the world. "Thank you, Tetsu-kun! I needed that." He accepts it from me and wipes his face gently with a soft sigh of relief. "Ah, I must have worked myself too hard today. I need to relax a bit more, don't you think, Tetsu-kun?"

What can I say? What could I say to such a thing? I finally nod softly and lower my gaze to the ground again. "Ah…"

"Oh, I know," he interrupts with a grin. "Why don't you take a walk with me? I'm sure Hijikata-san won't mind if you come with me."

I feel a familiar low coil of jealousy at the statement. It is true that Okita and Hijikata-san were close…too close if you ask me. The demon commander could never refuse his violet-eyed 'little brother' anything and for some reason it annoys me to no end. If Okita said he wanted to buy an entire candy shop, I was sure Hijikata would have gladly done so for him. 

"Teeetsuuuu-kun?"

I start and turn a bright red as I notice that his face is now inches from mine. He is looking at me as if I am sick and to make things worse, he places a hand against my forehead. 

"Hmmm…you don't have a fever…"

_Yes, I do!_ I shout inwardly as I stagger backwards weakly. I can't stay any closer to him or he's bound to know that my brotherly feelings have taken a gradual but sharp turn into something I am still confused about. And the sad thing is that I have no one to talk to about it. Trying to tell Tatsu-nii about it was going to be like walking on hot coals. I could just imagine my brother crying, hugging and trying to deter me from my wayward thoughts. I couldn't talk to Heisuke, or Shinpanchi-san or even Sano – they would only laugh at me and decide that I have finally gone off the deep end. Susumu? He might be more friendly now, but it still didn't stop him from giving me that look of disdain that always grates my nerves. Perhaps Saya? But she would think I was crazy too and not talk to me anymore. Kondou-san? No way. Yamanami-san? Bleh. Saitou-san? I might as well have a discussion with dead ghosts and spirits.

I sigh softly in defeat. It's at times like these that I wish Ayu-nee was still alive. She might have been the only one to help me out of my predicament.

And what is this predicament you might be asking? Well, it's simple really. I am beginning to like Okita-san in ways that are quite disturbing…especially to me. Once upon a time, I would have played happily with he and Saizou, not really thinking much about our moments together. But after that incident at the Inn – with the knowledge that he would have died and left me – that seemed to solidify my feelings about him. 

I couldn't be without Okita Souji.

Just the very thought of losing him was enough to make me physically ill these days. If he went on patrol, I would find myself almost always standing by the gates awaiting his return. My dearest wish was to someday patrol with him, but I wasn't in the first company and I had a feeling that Hijikata-san would have my head if I dared ask for a promotion. 

"You're no fun today, Tetsu-kun," he says with a light pout as he reaches up to pull away the ribbon from his hair. Like waves, his long purple locks cascade down his shoulders and back, causing me to bite back a groan as the urge to run my fingers through them, becomes quite overwhelming.

"I'm sorry…" I mumble softly as I reach for the _bokken_ to take them towards the dojo but a hand placed firmly on my arm, stops me in my tracks. I glance at the lean fingers, knowing that those palms were not quite as smooth as they seemed to be. They were calloused and bruised with years of holding a sword. I cannot look at him in the face and I have the feeling that he has realized my secret too. 

"Please walk with me, Tetsu," he says softly. "I will be waiting for you by the gates."

And just like that, he is gone – leaving me with nothing but the lingering scent of lavender in the late morning air.

But I had come to a firm decision in my mind. I wasn't going to ignore his request. Just like he needed me, I needed him too. 

And like a maniac – and even Hijikata-san is mildly impressed - I speed through my duties in the hopes that I can make it on time. Once the last head band is hung up to dry, I race towards the gates with a warm and ready smile on my visage. I can already see him standing there with Saizou within his arms. He is smiling – that warm, wonderful smile that I have come to love seeing. It makes me feel incredibly good inside and I want that feeling to last for as long as it can. 

He laughs as I finally catch up to him. Saizou looks upset at my presence, but I don't really care. I am with Okita Souji and that is all that matters to me. 

Naturally, we go candy shopping and like a professional, Okita is patient and kind enough to show me all the best ones out there. We go to the temple where he meets up with a few more children who are more than happy to see the lovable and playful samurai. I even join in the fun and find myself making a few more friends. 

By the time we are through, evening has fallen and the streets are now lined with either couples or young men and women having a good time. I place hands behind my head and hum a popular tune, which he quickly picks up and sings along with me. He really does have a great singing voice, too.

Somehow during the course of our walk, we reach the port. I grin in pleasure as I notice another large ship in the distance. Ryoma immediately comes to mind and I wonder just where in the world he is now. Was he in that America he seemed to like talking about? 

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

I start at the wistful tone of his voice and again I feel that low sense of panic well within me. I wasn't sure of why I was feeling this way, but it was still there all the same. Finally, I manage to croak out weakly. "Ah…it is…"

He smiles softly and sits down on the pier's edge and I can only copy his actions and sit beside him. He moves closer and I blush furiously, lowering my gaze to the cool, sparkling waters below us as I swing my legs back and forth in an attempt to ignore how much his proximity is affecting me. I congratulate myself on not giving too much away today. Maybe I can keep this up and this weird feeling will finally disappear.

"Would you like to be on one of those ships, Tetsu-kun?" he asks me quietly and I lift my gaze to stare at the object of our conversation with a soft sigh. 

"Maybe…someday…just out of curiosity though!" I add quickly. I had been on it once actually. Ryoma had been nice enough to invite me to take a look at it. 

Okita chuckles at this and I feel even more stupid for sounding so desperate. "Ah, it would be nice to go on a ship someday," he says with a small nod and a warm smile. 

I lean forward to look at him carefully. There is no denying that tone of resignation in his voice and at this time, it is all I can do to keep myself from shaking him. "We can both go together," I say quickly and a bit rashly. "I'll save up enough money and…and I'll take you with me."

I am blushing again as he now trains his gaze on me. "Really, Tetsu-kun?" he asks softly as he hugs Saizou closer to his body. "That's really nice of you. I would really like that…you and I…someday…"

"Yeah, yeah! You and I!" I almost cry out desperately, feeling a ridiculous sting of tears forming now. I do not like the sadness in his voice. I hate to know that this man who is capable of so much more can feel this sad over…over _what?!_ I did not know, but I had the feeling that he wasn't telling me everything and that hurt more than anything else in the world. "I don't have enough money right now, but I'll save enough and then…and then…"

"We are Shinsengumi, Tetsu-kun," Okita interrupts softly. "Our duty is to Japan and to preserve it's culture by defending it against those who wish for change…"

"But change is good, isn't it?!" I cry out desperately. My father had wanted change, so it had to be a good thing, didn't it? "We…we can't continue to live in the past…the dark…" I clutched my shirt tightly, feeling the first drops of hot tears slide down my cheeks as my heart seemed to burn with a heat that would be impossible to soothe. "Change…change is good, Okita-san…and I don't care if you wish to strike me down because of the way I think! I want…want…" I lift my gaze to stare at his surprised visage in open defiance and conviction. "I want peace, Okita-san! Like my father and Ryoma-san! I want to become a Peace Maker too!"

I wouldn't have been surprised if he had taken a sword from somewhere to behead me, but I was too far gone in my emotions to care.

"I want what's best for Japan too! But I hate…hate all this fighting! I just want…" 

And before I can finish, I find myself enveloped in his embrace, my face pressed tightly against his chest as I close my eyes and finally give in to the heart-wrenching sobs that wrack through my body. I hold on tightly to his _yukata,_ feeling the smooth skin of his chest and his cloth against my wet cheeks as I press even closer to him. He smells like lavender - a soothing, calming scent that fills my senses and helps to ease the misery and confusion in my aching heart. 

"We all want peace, Tetsu-kun," he begins softly. I can feel his chin resting gently upon my head and I close my eyes allowing his voice to drift over me. "I long for nothing more than a time when I can wake up in the morning and not have to worry over getting rid of traitors or petty thieves and criminals. I want to go back to my days at the Shieikan, where all that mattered to me was learning great sword skills from Kondou-san." His voice became even softer as he tightened his arms around me. "I wish…more than anything in the world for you to have a happy life, Tetsu-kun. You have suffered so much and you deserve nothing better. Life is too short and too precious to waste it on trivial matters such as these. If your heart wishes to leave for the sea like your father and Ryoma-san, then so be it. Don't…never lose yourself, Tetsu-kun. No matter what happens…keep your promise. Will you do that for me, Tetsu-kun?"

I nod weakly against his chest and allow him to push me gently until my head rests upon his lap. He begins to brush my hair gently and I can only moan softly in pleasure at how good his fingers feel against my skin. He begins to hum a lullaby and I almost laugh at how motherly he sounds and acts. I close my eyes and ignore Saizou's jealous squeals as he walks around his master and I. 

"Okita-san?" I finally call softly as my eyelids begin to grow heavy with weariness.

"What is it, Tetsu-kun?" 

I can blame it all on sleep. I can have him think that I am just saying it out of the moment. He doesn't have to believe me, but just to let him know…that is the most important thing right now.

"Okita-san…I…I…"

He encourages me to continue with another tender brush of his fingers against my temples. I swallow tightly and fight down the butterflies in my stomach. It is now or never and I have to brace myself for the laughter that is bound to occur. 

"I…I love you, Okita-san." 

The low sounds of the small waves crashing against the pier walls fill the silence that has fallen between us. His fingers falter for a moment but then resume its steady strokes as I sense him smile above me. 

For a long moment, I am not sure if I will ever get a reply and I tell myself that I will probably get nothing in return, but to my surprise and immense pleasure…

"Thank you, Tetsu-kun," he finally replies quietly. "Thank you…for everything…"

__ 

He never said he loved me in return and I did tell myself that I had to be prepared for that. But, in a way, I think I am glad he didn't say he felt the same way about me or it was bound to make things even more awkward between us. 

The Boshin War is over now and he still practices with me from time to time, but they are becoming more infrequent and I rarely get to see him in the dojo or wandering the grounds. He tends to remain in his room for long hours on end - always with Hijikata-san by his side.  His coughing has gotten so bad that I sometimes sit outside his room at night just listening to him, knowing I cannot go in because Hijikata-san won't let me. 

I have been promoted to the Second Troop now and at nineteen years old; it's not too bad of a rank to be in. I have worked hard to get to this point and I wasn't going to let go until I was promoted to Okita-san's company. All I longed to do was to march with him on the streets of Kyoto – side-by-side – and to know that I was finally worthy of his attention. 

"Buhi?"

"Ohayo, Saizou," I greet with a smile as I approach the pigpen. Well, it really isn't Saizou anymore but rather one of his offspring. Just as petulant as his father had been, this Saizou was just as loveable. I reach down to pick him up from the pen, noticing that he isn't as active as he usually tends to be. There is a listless air about him and a sort of overall melancholy feel to the surroundings. 

I cradle him gently within my arms and make my way back to the main grounds; only to blink in surprise as I notice Hijikata-san, Kondou-san and Okita-san making their way out of the gates all dressed in clothes that showed that they were going to be traveling for quite some time. 

Where were they going to? Why hadn't anyone told me about this?!

"Okita-san?!" I cry out desperately as I begin to run after them. But my path is blocked by a scowling Sano and I growl out in fury. "Get out of my way, Sano-san!" I try to push him to the side, but he is still as strong as ever as he places hands on my shoulders to keep me back. 

"No, Tetsu-kun. Let them go…"

"Where are they going to?!"

I notice he and Shinpachi-san exchange quick but meaningful looks and I can feel another rise of panic fill my being. 

"Where are they going to?!" I scream out again, not caring that my actions are now causing most of the soldiers to make their way towards us.

"To Edo," he says simply. "They have some unfinished business there and they will return soon."

"Oh…is that all?" I almost laugh at my unnecessary tantrum but instead I give a sigh of relief. "It's just to Edo, right? And Okita-san will be back soon, won't he?"

Sano nods softly with an attempt at a smile and I am too naïve to notice the sadness within his gaze. I am too happy to know that Okita-san has not left me. 

"Hai…he'll be back soon," he tells me and I nod in agreement, reaching down to pick up Saizou again. 

Everything was going to be alright after all. They had just gone for a trip and he would be back soon to tell me all about it.

Okita had given me a small but warm smile when I had screamed his name earlier. I had noticed it even though Hijikata and Kondou-san had tried to block him from view. It is a smile that will always remain with me as I sit out here awaiting his return. 

_I will work harder, Okita-san. I will train everyday until I am promoted to your troop and then my dream of finally becoming a Peace Maker will come true. One day, Okita-san…I will take you away from here…to the freedom that you really want and deserve._

Just you and I together…always…

**~The End~**


End file.
